


You’ve got a mail

by Lilywoood



Category: 9-1-1 (TV), 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Developing Friendships, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:20:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilywoood/pseuds/Lilywoood
Summary: Hello my name is Evan “Buck” Buckley, I’m a 28 Virgo firefighter in LA and I recently was diagnosed with severe PTSD”Buck sighed looking at his computer screen, like every nights for the past three weeks he was writing and deleting the same message, battling with himself about wether he should post it or not.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Grace Ryder/Judd Ryder (9-1-1 Lone Star), Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 60
Kudos: 430
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

_“Hello my name is Evan “Buck” Buckley, I’m a 28 Virgo firefighter in LA and I recently was diagnosed with severe PTSD”_

Buck sighed looking at his computer screen, like every nights for the past three weeks he was writing and deleting the same message, battling with himself about wether he should post it or not, wondering if it would really help, if they were really people out there who could understand him, support him, comfort him… and just like every nights he resigned himself, he deleted the message, closed his laptop and went straight to his fridge shoulder slumped and a tired chuckle escaping his lips, he knew better than hoping, hope was for dreamers, for idealists, for the old Buck, not for the new him, the adult Buck, Buck 2.5.

* * *

Throwing a quick glance at the clock above the fridge he noticed how it was a little close to 2a.m, he knew he should probably get back to sleep, try to get some rest so that he would be fully efficient, so that he wouldn’t give his team another reason to criticize him, another reason to blame him if something were to go wrong.

It was an impossible task, sleeping didn’t mean rest anymore, sleeping was akin to torture for Buck, sleeping meant reliving the bombing, it meant that his left leg will start to ache, would get numb, it meant he would start to feel the heaviness of the truck, that his ears would start to buzz, that his breathing would get harder because the aches were clogging his lungs, and then water would replace the aches, then he’ll hear himself scream Christopher’s name but Christopher never called back, he was never saved…

His eyes kept on going from his couch to the six pack in the fridge, he was tempted to drink it all, tempted to down it until he passed out, after all passing out was not far from sleeping except that they won’t be nightmares, flashes, screams, passing out meant a dreamless sleep and that what he needed, what he yearned…

* * *

He wasn’t thrilled to get to work that morning, his head was pounding thanks to a raging headache and his muscles were sore due to the accumulation of sleepless nights….

He tiredly went through his morning routine, first a little run around his block, then a quick shower followed by breakfast and swallowing all the pills his therapist prescribed, final with little to no motivation got ready for work, already knowing what was awaiting him at the firehouse, knowing that they were going to make assumptions of how bad he looked…

* * *

He knew he looked like shit he felt like it too, that didn’t meant it was okay for people to remind him how bad it was, still he could already hear them, hear the critics, the whispers, could feel the glares…

He didn’t want to go, didn’t want to face them but he had to, he had to prove them he deserved his place, prove them he was right, show them he wasn’t a petulant kid, he was a fighter, a survivor, a warrior.

* * *

It’s been two months since he’s been reinstated, two months since he was ostracized, two months of nasty comments, two months of cold shoulders, two months of isolation, two months of loneliness.

If he was his old self he would have been gutted by it, he would have tried to win them back, would have been crawling at their feet begging for forgiveness , but he wasn’t Buck 2.0 anymore, gone was his childlike naivety, gone was his tendency to forgive and forget, he was like them now, an adult, a grown up forged by deception and betrayal, set on fighting for what was right, for what he deserved, he wasn’t going to beg, wasn’t going to forgive, he was fighting now, proving himself and not letting any of them makes him doubt his decisions, his choices they could either accept it or get lost.

* * *

He was always the first to get to the station, it was a decision he’d made three days after his reinstatement, after he overheard some of his teammates protest over his comeback, after he heard Chim and Eddie joke about how he wouldn’t make it till the end of the shift, after he heard them bet on what his next injury would be and if this time he would finally understand that he wasn’t meant to be a firefighter.

He never felt as betrayed and hurt as that day, never felt so much hate, bitterness and resentment for people he loved, admired, cherished, it wasn’t their comments, their glares and badmouthing that made him detest them, it was how they turned his love and respect for them into animosity, loathing, venom.

* * *

He was well entranced in reorganizing the inventory when he heard them, the taunting sound of their laughers.

He felt a shiver run down his spine, he felt his heart clenching in his chest, he felt stupid and ridiculous, it was pathetic how much he missed and loathed them.

* * *

It was close to lunch break when Hen joined him in the room, he was recounting the numbers of gauzes when she taped him on his shoulder making him jump back .

- **Hey Buck** , she smiled taking place next to him, **didn’t saw you up here** , she mentioned.

- **Yeah** , he shrugged, **I didn’t** , he stammered, **I didn’t really felt like eating today,** he chuckled still focused on his counting.

 **-You know avoiding us….avoiding them,** she frowned, **it won’t fix things,** she offered

 **-I heard them,** Buck whispered facing her, **I heard them joke about how I wasn’t fit for this job,** he snorted, **how I was a walking disaster.**

- **Oh Buck,** she gasped, **I’m sure they didn’t…**

 **-They meant it Hen** , he cut, **they meant every damn words,** he growled stopping himself when he noticed her flinching, **sorry** , he croaked, **god I’m such a mess,** he mumbled kneeling down.

- **Hey no no,** she interrupted him, **no need, to apologize,** she reassured him, **Buckaroo** , she called softly, **I’m not mad at you** , she grinned.

 **-I’m just… it’s just I’m cranky cause I didn’t sleep well,** he croaked, **sorry I took it on you.**

 **-You’re still having nightmares** , she remarked sadly.

- **I’m kinda used to them now** , he tried to joke.

 **-Did you told someone about it** , she frowned.

He nodded his eyes fixed on some stain on the floor, Hen bumped their shoulders accepting his sudden silence.

 **-I go to therapy twice a week** , he whispered, **I have a treatment** , he pursued, **but sometimes even the strongest medications can’t keep the brain from remembering,** he admitted.

 **-I take that therapy doesn’t help** , she stated.

 **-It help more than I though,** he objected, **it’s just sometimes I’d like to talk about it with someone that could relate to me.**

- **Someone with who you could share it without feeling analyzed,** she nodded in understanding, **did you told this to your therapist,** she asked.

- **Yes** , he chucked, **she** , he cleared his throat, **actually she…she tried to get me to join some sort of online therapy group** , he frowned, **for people with PTSD.**

- **And that’s not your thing,** she guessed, Buck shrugged not knowing how to explain himself, **is it the internet thing or the fact that it’s with people you don’t know,** she pursued.

- **I assumed that if I needed to talk about it, you guys would have my back** , he wheezed, **but then it all went wrong,** he sniffed, **and the only person that could understand me, the only person I could talk with now hates my gut,** he gasped, **so tell me how can I rely on strangers when my own friends turned their back on me,** he smiled tears rolling down his cheeks.

- **I’m not turning my back on you,** Hen declared hugging him tightly, **you have me and Karen if you need** , she offered, **but Buck** , she added, **maybe you should give that online thing a shot until things get better here,** she offered before the alarm went off forcing her to leave him behind.

* * *

The rest of his day went smoothly, the 118 spend their shift having calls after calls, meaning that he never had to cone across one of them much to his relief, still Hen words have been playing in his head all day, that’s how he found himself glaring at his computer screen once he got home.

He was reading over and over the message he was about to post, trying to come up with an excuse, with anything that could make him delete it once more, but when he closed his eyes to think about it all he could see were the flashes, the memories, the reminders, he needed help, he needed friends and support and if his surrogate family couldn’t give it to him then maybe he could find it in the comfort of strangers.

So with trembling fingers and an over beating heart he clicked send, he took the leap and was rewarded mere seconds later with a new message less shorter than his, and a bit warmer, he took it as a sign that his wish, his prayer has finally been heard.

_“Hi Buck my name is Tyler Kennedy “TK” Strand, I’m a 26 Scorpio firefighter in Austin, I’m also struggling with PTSD among other things, so if you ever wanna chat don’t hesitate”_


	2. Chapter 2

He was watching them, observing them, witnessing how they were happy, how they laughed, joked, played with each other, watched how they clicked, how they were with all their differences and similarities a perfect family, he watched how bright his father smile was, how relaxed, carefree and younger he seemed, he belonged with them, as they belonged to him, he knew he should be happy and thankful that they got the 126 but somehow as he looked at them, at how they were interacting with one another he couldn’t help but feel like an outsider, couldn’t help but hear the taunting little voice in his head, the one telling him that he didn’t belong there, the one telling him that the 126 and Owen didn’t need him, he was just a leverage, a walking disaster, he was just the _“coach son...”_

He never saw his father this happy, never heard him laugh so loud, as he was downing yet another glass of iced tea he couldn’t help but envy those who got his attention without even trying, he was talking with Judd and Grace probably congratulating them and bribing them to be the baby cool grandpa Owen, he looked so proud of Judd so happy for him, he’d never looked at him this way, TK couldn’t remember the last time he ever got one of those particular smile, he was hugging Judd now, really and tightly hugging him, hugging him like a proud father would do, the last time he got one of those hug was ages ago and he couldn’t even remember why was it for.

Watching his father being a dad with someone else was taking a toll on him, realizing he wasn’t enough for his own flesh and blood, realizing that he could never give his father the family and grandkids he dreamed to have, seeing him seeking that dream, that chimera in Judd and having to watch him actually and willingly fulfilling it was too much too soon, he wasn’t ready, he would never be ready to see his father blatantly replacing him, so with what little dignity he still had he went, he got out and called an Uber.

* * *

He was casually leaning over some strangers car, patiently waiting for his Uber to arrive when he heard the all too familiar ringtone and felt his phone buzz in his back pocket, he retrieved it carefully, and smiled when the “You’ve got a mail’’ notification popped on his screen, with a simple swipe of finger he unlocked his phone and clicked on his therapy app...

_**> From Buck : Have you ever felt like the biggest failure on earth, like a walking disaster, have you ever felt like whatever you do, whatever you say it’ll never be enough, you’ll never be enough...** _

He never expected Buck to contact him this fast still he couldn’t help but read his mail over and over again, caressing his phone screen as if he was trying to absorb the words, to absorb Buck’s feelings , he chuckled drily at the message wondering how the Californian firefighter seemed to always be on the same wavelength.

He was starting to type back his answer when he heard his name being called and footsteps coming his way.

 **-There you are,** his father smiled catching his breath **, what are you doing here** , he frowned when TK didn’t acknowledge his presence, **everything’s okay son,** he tried.

- **I’m fine,** TK replied curtly his attention still fixed on his phone.

- **TK** , he called worry starting to cripple it’s way in his head, **you know you can talk to me,** he tried pathetically.

 **-Do you want to know why I became a firefighter,** he asked starkly changing the subject, **do you want to know the real reason,** he asked venom in his voice

 **-I know why you did,** Owen frowned not understanding what he was getting at,

- **No you don’t,** Tk snarled, **I told you it was because I wanted to help people, because I wanted to do something that mattered but it was a lie** , he chuckled drily, **I became a firefighter so that for once I could feel like we were a family you and I,** he gestured, **so that for once I would matter for you** , he gasped, **so that you could see me and love me as much as I love and see you dad** , he whispered

- **What are you....** he stuttered, **of course I love you and I see you TK,** he frowned **, you’re my son,** he thundered grabbing his arms forcing him to look at him, **you’re my world TK why would you think otherwise,** he breathed.

 **-I never felt like it** , he retorted darkly getting out of his father grip, **go back to them, to your found family,** he snarled before rejoining his Uber.

* * *

He shouldn’t be there, he knew it, he knew that place smelled trouble and bad news, he remembered how it ended the last time he came down there still he couldn’t help it, he needed to be there, needed to fell the thrill, the rush, he needed something to forget how chaotic his life felt right now.

His eyes were fixed on the amber liquid in his hand, his glass was almost empty but it didn’t fill the whole in his heart no matter how many glass he drank he couldn’t forget his fathers laugh, his teammates proximity, he couldn’t help but feel like an outsider, the word turned black that night, not gray or bland just black as if all hope was definitely gone.

 **-I knew I would find you here** , he heard Carlos call

 **-Let me guess** , he chuckled downing his drink, **dad called you, told you I went berserk** , he smirked imitating Owen’s voice, **you’re the only one who can put some sense in my boy’s head,** he laughed

- **What’s wrong TK,** Carlos frowned sitting next to him, **is it...**

 **-Iced tea,** he responded rolling his eyes at Carlos suggestion, **relax I’m not stupid,** he sighed

- **What’s wrong** , Carlos repeated sitting on the stool next to his, **you can tell me,** he tried taking his hand, caressing it softly, **I’m there,** he smiled, **we’re a team remember** , he tried.

 **-We aren’t** , he breathed drawing his hand back.

He was looking at him now, for the first time since they decided to be official he was looking at him, seeing him, acknowledging him, acknowledging their differences, finally accepting and understanding what Alex had meant that night...

- **What...what do you mean,** Carlos sputtered.

- **It means I lied,** he breathed, passing a hand through Carlos’s hair.

- **About what** , he breathed dreading the answer.

- **I lied when I said we made a good team** , TK admitted quietly, **I lied when I told you I was ready,** he took a deep breath, **I lied when I said that life was slowly starting to be colorful again.**

- **Why did you lie,** Carlos croaked not meeting his sight

- **Because it made you happy** , he smiled stroking the other man cheek, **you were smiling and I liked it, I like your smile and I like seeing you happy** , he chuckled tiredly, **thing is I can’t make you happy without feeling miserable and you don’t deserve this,** he stepped back looking one last time at Carlos, **I want you to be happy but I can’t give you that happiness and I can’t ask you to wait for me it’s too selfish so I’m freeing you,** he breathed tearfully, **you’re the best thing that happened to me Carlos Reyes but I would’ve been the worst thing that happened to you,** he half shrugged, **goodbye officer Reyes,** he whispered kissing his cheek.

* * *

His chest was aching, he felt his heart breaking even more after Carlos’s departure, regret and remorse tearing it down, the ache to order a drink or severals getting stronger.

He needed to leave, he needed fresh air because he wasn’t sure he could stay there without causing another ruckus.

The night was getting colder, but the weather wasn’t the cause of his numbness, the apathy was caused by the whole he dug in his heart by destroying the only good thing that happened to him, gazing one last time at the horizon he dug his phone from his pocket ready to finally answers Buck’s mail.

**_> From TK: not a day goes by that I don't feel that way, that I don’t feel like people could do so much better than me, because I know, I know that I would never be enough, I know that fighting is meaningless..._ **


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck learn some unexpected news, and have some choices to make

Sleeping was more penance than relief as he couldn’t close his eyes without being constantly haunted, tortured, reminded by how much his teammates, his family hated him, haunted by the sound of their laughs, by the impact of their insults, by the venom of their remarks.

He couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop tormenting himself, couldn’t prevent his mind to play his days, all the overheard conversations, and not so discreet whispers on loop in his head, he couldn’t help but remember their faces, their snarls every time he entered a room, he couldn’t help but hear their voices… his voices, as he was told over and over again that he wasn’t needed, wanted, that it was too bad the ladder truck hadn’t crushed his whole body…

He prayed for a dreamless night, he prayed his mind to stop the self-persecution, to stop thinking about them, as they never did think about him. He wished he was bold enough to down the six pack in his fridge, the one who was calling his name every day, so that he could pass out, so that he could finally and peacefully rest but like all his nights since the lawsuit Buck found himself once again starring at his computer screen, thinking about what he would say to TK and how he could help the equally tormented Texan firefighter.

He remembered TK’s last answer, remembered how he could feel his distress, how he felt the same, he remembered how they chatted until dawn about wither they should keep fighting, should keep proving their worth, their right to be among their brothers or if they should just give up as fighting was making more miserable, he couldn’t forget the last words they exchanged that night.

 ** _From TK:_** _My mother used to tell me that even if we’re blood related my father would never love me as much as he loves his firefighting family and that what made me want to be part of it, I wanted to be seen and loved too, I fought and for a brief time I had it, my dad's love and attention, I was so happy, I felt whole until I realized that he loved firefighter TK, he only saw me when I was part of the team, outside of it I was nothing_.

**_ From Buck: _ ** _I didn’t have anything outside the 118, when I got the job I was the happiest in the world, for the first time I knew what it felt to be loved, to be appreciated, my parents weren’t that great and Maddie was gone, I had no one, I just had them, after the truck incident I fought, I trained to be back with them cause I missed them but they replaced me, they taped her name over mine and they treated her even better than me and to make things worse I learned that it wasn’t the Head that didn’t want me back, it was Bobby, it felt as if maybe I wasn’t good enough for him, for them, I mean they’re all I have…._

**_ From TK: _ ** _They meant more for you than what you mean for them and that what hurt the most, that why you have to move on and let them go, you can’t keep feeling miserable for people who don’t deserve you Evan._

**_ From Buck: _ ** _I know, I’m still foolishly hopping though._

TK wasn’t online that night, he didn’t have anyone to turn to, to talk to, he couldn’t bother Maddie, and even though Hen told him she was there, he couldn’t help but let the little voice convince him that she only said that to be kind, she didn’t meant it, she wasn’t expecting him to call her, confide in her, she wasn’t actually there, no one was.

* * *

Sleepless nights were becoming more and more common for him, his body grew accustomed to the lack of rest, his mind not so much, the voices were increasingly present, allowing himself to become more and more apprehensive and stressed at the sole thought of going to work the next day, what once was his home, his safe heaven, quickly became his personal hell.

* * *

He was changing himself quietly when Bobby and the rest of their team cornered him, they barely let him button his pant before barging into the locker room, all wearing their signature _‘‘we hate you’’_ glare, he quickly rose himself waiting for Bobby to tell him that it was it, he was thanked, fired that they didn’t want him in this family anymore.

 **-So I had an interesting conversation with the Heads today,** he started making Buck gulp in fear, **apparently I can’t have one of my guys on light duties for more than two months,** he waved dismissively, **so** , he sighed, **as of today you’re officially back on call,** he announced looking at him expectantly.

- **Thank you I guess,** Buck articulated not meeting his eyes, **I…I won’t let you down, let any of you down,** he croaked still fixing his shoes.

 **-I hope so Buckley** , the older man retorted before turning back and leaving the room.

He waited until the footsteps vanished to let out the breath he was holding, he then let himself fall on the bench behind him not once acknowledging the fact that someone stayed behind, it wasn’t until he hear Eddie clear his throat that he gave him his attention.

 **-Listen Eddie** , he began but a single look from his teammate made him flinch and quiet down.

 **-You might be reinstated,** Eddie roared getting up from his place, **you might be back on the team, back on call,** he enumerated walking toward him **, but you’ll never be a part of this family again** , he sneered fist clenched at his side, **so don’t try** , he huffed, **don’t try to mend things, don’t try talking with us from now on we’re only colleagues Buckley,** he deadpanned leaving the locker room.

And just like that everything went silent, he could only hear the sound of his shattering heart, the wail of his broken soul, the realization hitting him like a truck, it was meaningless, there were nothing holding him back, nothing to keep him fighting, nothing and no one worth fighting for, everything was silent and even if the siren were getting louder, even though Hen kept on calling his name he couldn’t move the violence of his heartbreak, of his grief nailed him to the ground.

* * *

He could handle light duties, could handle the glares, the critics, the insults and even the bullying sometimes, he could handle being isolated, handle eating alone and hiding in his car to shed the tears he held up all day, what he couldn’t handle, couldn’t support, couldn’t accept was his teammates lacks of professionalism, he couldn’t handle the fact that they couldn’t let go of the grudges they held against him during calls.

He was only doing his job, only asking the routines questions when Bobby decided it was the right times to belittle him in front of his team and the victims, making him pass for the dumb blond he wasn’t, making him regret the day he started to think of him as his hero, his model.

* * *

He was sitting gloomily in the locker room when Hen found him, his gaze fixed on the dark screen of his phone, he didn’t acknowledge her presence, didn’t raise his head and gave her the little smile she was so used to get by now, he was only looking at his phone, only staring at him with sadness and confusion.

 **-Something’s wrong Buckaroo** , she breathed sitting next to him

 **-I...I asked for a transfer after Bobby told me I wasn’t reinstated** , he revealed quietly his sight still on his phone, **and I learned today that they actually accepted it** , he revealed in a mirthless laugh.

 **-Why didn’t you tell me...tell us about it,** Hen chocked **, I never thought you all of people would actually give up,** she frowned grabbing his arm, **Evan** , she pressed using his name for the first time.

- **I’m not giving up** , he swallowed facing her **, I fought, I tried, I did everything to get them back, to get my family back,** he hissed tears streaming down his face, **I never gave up** , he roared pointing to himself **, I never gave up,** he breathed kneeling down tiredly **, it’s a losing game Hen,** he half smiled, **it’s better to accept defeat,** he shrugged.

 **-Where are you transferred** , she queried sitting next to him,

 **-Don’t know yet** , he shrugged, **could be on the other side of LA or in another state** , he revealed, told them I was pretty flexible, he joked miserably.

* * *

The spell was broken, just like Cinderella after the clock struck midnight, the mail was a reality check, it was the sign he was waiting for, the one TK was talking about, his Californian dream was definitely over, he didn’t know how to process it, didn’t know how to accept that after three years he was ejected from his earthly Eden.

He found himself once again the target of a dreamless and sleepless night, once again facing his laptop screen, once again messaging the only person able to get him.

**_ From Buck: _ ** _It seems that the sign I was waiting for came earlier than expected, I don’t know if I’m ready to give up yet._

**_From TK:_** _It’s not giving up, it’s moving on_.


	4. Chapter 4

_**From TK:** _I don’t know how to be happy, it’s like when Alex left me, when he told me about the other guy, it felt as if he sucked all the good things, all the happiness out of me and now…now I feel like an empty shell, like there is a void that I have to fill…

 _ **From Buck:**_ How do you fill it?

 _ **From TK:**_ By ruining others people happiness, by breaking, hurting and deceiving them, by giving them reasons to give up on me…

 _ **From Buck:**_ Well I’m not giving up and neither should you.

He’d remember his last conversation with Buck, remember how they talked for hours about happiness, about whether they deserved it, should chase it, or just hope for it...

* * *

He could feel the icy liquid running through his veins, could feel its poison penetrating every cells, every parts of his body, taking possession of his soul, of his being, he could feel each of his limits, each of his barriers giving way as it gained ground, spreading into his system, taking over his brain, his sense, his mind.

He didn’t try to fight it, didn’t try to snap, to take over, after all what was the point of fighting a battle bound to be lost.

Instead he passively watched how his body slowly started to disobey him, how his head was getting foggier by the minute, how strangers laughs faded in the background...

It took him less than five glasses to notice how he had miserably relapsed, spiraled, failed, it took three glasses for him to get more and more drunk, and four glasses to forget his name, his identity, his essence....

* * *

He didn’t really remember the why and how he ended up in such a shady place, he just remembered how he’d laughed shaking softly his head as he recalled that it was there that everything changed.

He couldn’t help but see the irony of the situation, of how the only way he could find comfort, relief and solace was in a shady, overcrowded downtown pub, the exact same he’d swore never to set foot again.

Yet here he was once again on a Thursday night four months later slumped over the bar, not caring one bit about the bikers and drunks laughing and slurring around him, too busy contemplating the bottom of his umpteenth whisky glass, admiring its amber color, anticipating its taste and the disastrous effect one swill of it would have.

* * *

His eyes were fixed on the golden liquid in his hand, his glass was almost empty but it didn’t fill the void in his heart no matter how many glasses he drank he couldn’t forget the devastated expression Carlos had when he stepped back, when he choose to let him go...

Memories started to cripple their way through his broken mind, his teary face, tossed hair, the feel of his hands gripping his shoulders tightly and the sound of his hoarded voice begging him to think about it...

_- **Can we talk about it,** he’d pleaded grabbing his hand, **please,** he croaked._

_- **There’s nothing much to say,** TK answered threading a hand through his hair, **just give up already,** he fidgeted._

_- **I have the right to know why TK,** he demanded his voice quivering, **you forced me out of this relationship, out of your life without giving me a real reason,** he pursued fighting his tears, **was I not enough.**_

_- **Truth is I tried loving you and I couldn’t,** he lied turning away, **I didn’t feel the same** , he added squeezing his eyes shut, **I’m sorry but there is nothing else to say** , he articulated tears silently running down his cheeks_.

* * *

His chest was aching, he felt his heart breaking even more, regret and remorse tearing it down, he needed the drinks, he needed to forget, needed to erase Carlos crestfallen expression from his mind, needed to forget how his touch lightened him in fire, how his kisses were like a breath of life, how the way he would scream his name was the most perfect melody he’d ever heard.

He needed to remind himself that he did the right things by letting him go, even if it hurt, even if it felt like some part of his soul had been torn away from him, he had to get over their relationship, however short it was, he had to erase Carlos from his skin, had to chase away the ghosts of his kisses, the memories of his caresses, of his touch, and quench the fiery burn of his love, of his devotion.

That was one of the main reason he found himself sharing filthy kisses in a shabby restroom with a total stranger on a Thursday night, any sane person knew how despair and alcohol weren’t a good mix, but TK wasn’t sane and the constant reminder of his recent break up, added to the far echo of Carlos’ voice in his head didn’t help either, and if accepting to be groped by a smelly drunk biker could make the memories go away so be it, if letting a closeted macho male have his way with him could temporarily erase Carlos from his mind, then to hell with it.

He would let any stranger, any blurry faces kiss him, touch him, caress him, screw him if it could for a brief moment, a mere second delete the one he truly wanted, the one he truly needed, and as he felt the burn of the biker beard against his skin, as he smelled his beer imbibed breath he found himself closing his eyes, clenching his fist in a pathetic attempt to keep himself from comparing them both, from letting his brain trick him into remembering how he was repulsed by the fact that someone else was touching him, how someone else was grunting in his ears, how someone else was ordering him to beg for his release, how someone else’s name was slipping from his lips.

* * *

He felt dirty, empty, ashamed even, he never thought in all his 26 years that he’ll one day feel this way, felt as if his core was rotten, corrupted, tainted, ruined beyond repair, he never felt that way, never felt so insignificant, so irredeemable, not even when he was hooked on the pills, it was as if the remaining of his soul, the last piece Alex left, had been destroyed, he was an empty shell, a living carcass, the world wasn’t gray anymore, alcohol and sex didn’t make it technicolor, the combination only darkened everything , it was all black and he needed some light, he needed to feel clean again…

 _ **From TK:**_ Did you meant it when you said you won’t give up, please tell me you meant it…

 ** _From Buck_** : Of course I meant it, I’ll be there.

 **From TK** : I…I slip up, I drank today for the first time in three months, and I never…I feel like such a failure, a disappointment, I feel so empty.

 _ **From Buck:** _You’re human TK, and with all the crap that happened I would have been surprised if you didn’t… what made you sleep up thought?

 _ **From TK:**_ I made Him cry, I ruined the only good thing that happened to me.

 _ **From Buck**_ : You broke up with Carlos

 ** _From TK_** : Yes but trust me it’s better that way.

 ** _From Buck_** : For who you or him, didn’t you told me he was a good guy, that he understood and knew where you came from.

 _ **From TK:**_ of course he’s a good guy, he’s everything Alex has ever been, it’s just…I guess I was afraid.

 _ **From Buck:**_ Afraid of what, that he would love you?

 _ **From TK:**_ No…I was afraid that one day he would wake up and realize that he could do so much better than me, that I’m a screw up, that I’m too much too handle, Alex left me and I nearly died because of it; I guess that letting Carlos go was the less hurtful option.

 _ **From Buck:**_ I see where you’re coming from, but it wasn’t your decision to make, Carlos is a big guy, he knows what’s good for him, and he decided you were it, by leaving him without giving him a proper reason… TK by leaving him like this you became Carlos’ Alex…

He sighed glancing at his phone, he knew Buck’s was right, he knew deep down that he tried to take his revenge on Alex by hurting someone else, but Carlos, sweet and caring Carlos wasn’t responsible of the downfall of his relationship, he’d hurt him on purpose hopping that it would’ve reestablished the world natural balance when instead it hurt and destroyed them both, and as his glanced at his disheveled reflection he couldn’t help but wish, foolishly pray the godly force up there to grant him one more chance, one more try.

 _ **From TK:**_ Man, sometime I really want you to be physically there, you’re the only one who get me.

 _ **From Buck**_ : Seems like your wish has been granted this time… 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to post a new part, I had to rewrite it cause I never felt satisfied enough and with everything happening with work and my personnal life I never had the time, I hope I didn't make you wait too long and that you'll like what I wrote ♥

_**"Do you remember the last time you were truly happy, the last time you felt warm and bubbly, the last time you laughed so much your cheeks and sides hurt and you wished it would never stop"** _That question was like a broken record in his head it was so simple and yet so complicated, he didn’t really know how to answer.

It had been the subject of doctor Hunter last assignment, he had to write down his happiest memories and told her on their next appointment, for any other person it would have been an easy task, just searching through the myriad of memories you have and choose the happiest, easy, but for Buck it was different as he couldn't remember the last time he felt happy, couldn't remember the sound of his own laugh, couldn't recall how it felt to have your side hurt because of it, he totally repressed what happiness felt like.

It was as if he forgot what it meant to live a quiet and painless life, the past few months took such a toll on his mental health that for him a life without anguish and misery seemed unrealistic still it didn't stop him from wondering what his life would have been like if he hadn't gone through the lawsuit, wondered if things would have been peaceful and quiet if he had just quietly accepted Bobby's betrayal, wondered if his team, his family would have had his back if they knew the truth, if they would have vouched for him, if they had fought for him as hardly as he did for them.

Sometimes in his sleep deprived state he wondered if the 118 truly did considered him family or if he was the only idiot who made himself believe that they were more than just colleagues, that there was more to the 118, and then it would all fade out, the whispers would come back making him remember, making him realize that even before the lawsuit, even before the truck incident they were never a family, it was just a delusion made by his affection starved brain, it was all made up, he had never been anything but the station resident dumb blonde and now he was the station persona non grata.

* * *

He found himself once again subject of a sleepless and dreamless night, he apprehended the moment his body would start to beg for rest, dreading laying in his bed, anxiously anticipating how the quiet of the room would force him to revive his day again and again, how he would hear them, hear the mockery, the heinous words spitted every time he would come into a room, how he was purposely shoved around, how their hard stares would burn his back.

In the darkness of his room no monsters were haunting him, only the memories of his teammates tormenting him, keeping him from finding the rest he longed for, only an itching desire, an urge to drink to forget, to knock himself out, to be able to embrace the sleep he was missing, it was the only thing keeping him awake.

He hoped TK was awake, hoped he would have some words of wisdom, hoped he could distract him or exorcize him from the demons that were keeping him up all nights, hoped he would find some answers, or at least some kind of solace, he wished that after talking to him his mind would feel lighter, peaceful enough to allow him five little minutes of quiet sleep.

But alas the Texan boy wasn’t up and once again Buck was left alone with the voices, no distraction, no comfort, no company or warm embrace reassuring him that it was all in his head, that he was loved, needed, that he was part of them.

* * *

Morning came faster that what he though and he could feel his body cursing him for the lack of rest he allowed it, he could feel his sore muscles beg for some needed relief, his head and ears were buzzing due to the lack of sleep, he already knew that his day was going to be long, he was tempted to call in sick but knew better, he didn’t want to give Bobby another reason to torment him.

He hoped in the shower turning the cold water hopping it would help waking his over exhausted body, hoping it would keep his mind from the conversation that was probably awaiting him back at the 118, he silently prayed for whatever entity above him to make the day go quietly, prayed that Bobby didn’t got the transfer mail yet, prayed that if he did the subject wouldn’t be brought in front of the others, prayed that for once the older man would be busy enough to forget him.

* * *

Luck once again didn’t seem to be on his side, Bobby cornered him the minute he set foot in the station, barking orders after orders, giving him all the nasty and difficult tasks as no call had been made yet, the six first hours of his shift consisted on him running around the station fixing and cleaning the rest of his team mess, by noon he couldn’t keep up anymore, his body was giving up, his arms were trembling from all the weight he carried around.

He needed to sit down just a minute, he just needed a minute to ground himself, just a brief minute that could prevent his over tired body from giving up halfway through his shift.

 **-You’re supposed to clean the room not sleep in it,** he heard Eddie snarl at him, **god you’re so exhausting.**

 **-I’m human too,** Buck grumbled massaging his temple, **hopefully the hate you have for me isn’t preventing you from remembering that,** he bitted back.

 **-Hate?** He chucked drily taking slow steps toward him **, I don’t hate you...** he repeated, **your life has little to no importance to me** , he smirked studying his face, **I don’t care about you, how could I hate someone who doesn’t matter.**

- **You...you’re lying,** he palled

- **Am I?** He breathed half smile still plastered on his face, **maybe I’m lying or maybe your silly little brain is telling you I’m, so that you’re tiny little heart won’t be broken** , he chuckled, **or maybe it’s karma for what you did.**

 **-What I did,** he asked confused.

- **How could you be so selfish** , he raged, **how could you sue us, sue Bobby after everything he did for you, after he fought to get you back.**

- **Everything he did for me** , Buck chuckled drily **, I see how it is then** , he nodded realizing how Bobby had blatantly lied to all of them, **I’m sorry Diaz but you don’t know anything about what Captain Nash did to me, now excuse me I have some cleaning to do** , he added turning his back to Eddie.

He didn’t wait for Eddie to leave to get back to work even though he was exhausted, even though he was still troubled and enraged by the conversation they just had he needed the distraction, but most of all he needed someone on his side, needed someone to understand why he did what he did without judgement, he needed to talk with TK.

He waited another half hour before taking a much needed and welcomed break, he went directly to his Jeep retrieved his lunch from his glovebox and his phone from his back pocket, he took a big bite of his sandwich before texting his new friend.

 ** _From Buck:_** I don’t know what time is it for you, I don’t know if its early or late, I don’t know if you’re online but I need you, I need to get somethings of my chest, I think I’m going crazy.

 ** _From TK:_** It’s never too early or too late for you Buck, I’m there tell me

 ** _From Buck_** : Do you have regrets, do you have things you wish you never said or did, people you wish you never met.

 ** _From TK:_** Did something happen today with the team, with Eddie.

He couldn’t help but remember the fight he had minutes ago couldn’t help but recall what he had to go through, what he had to support every day since the lawsuit, thinking about it made him suddenly felt numb, hollow, sad and empty it was as if all the care he had for them vanished, he didn’t give a shit about what they were telling about him, he was broken beyond repair, they finally did it, they finally destroyed him, ruined him.

 ** _From TK:_** Buck what happened with Eddie

 ** _From Buck:_** We had a fight and he said things that made me realize that I never belonged there to begin with

 **From TK:** What did he said

 ** _From Buck :_** Bobby told them that he fought for me, that he wasn’t the one who held me back, he lied to make me the villain.

 **From TK:** I’m sorry Buck but hopefully it would be over soon, you’ll get your new station number and city

 ** _From Buck:_** I already know where I’m being transferred but I’ll need Bobby’s signature to finalize it and I doubt he will willingly sign them, I’ll never be free, I’ll never be happy…I have to get back, talk to you soon

He didn’t get enough rest during his break and the heat prevented him from savoring the tuna sandwich Maddie made him, he still had to endure more than twelve hours before he was allowed to go home, more than twelve hours of bullying, insults and mockery, twelve hours of laying low, twelve hours of hell before finding the depressing silence of his house.

* * *

His head was still ringing when he returned home that night, only this time exhaustion had nothing to do with it, no disgust and disillusion were the sole reasons for his distress, and as he admired the starry sky, as he hoped that darkness could swallow up all the anger, he couldn’t help but feel like somehow he deserved the hate, the reproaches, the glaring and mockery…

He didn’t have energy left, didn’t have any appetite even though he spent more than half of the day without any consistent food in his stomach, tiredness was overcoming him, he just wanted, needed to lay down and think, he just wanted things to be quiet, not silent, because silence was akin to torture for his mind, silence forced him to hear the whispers, silence made him relive every bad moments of his day whereas quiet was peaceful and soothing for his soul.

It was close to midnight when he remembered his promise to TK, grabbing his laptop on his coffee table he quickly logged on and checked his mail, he had two unread message, one from TK and the other one from his future new captain who weirdly shared the same name as his therapy buddie. He opened TK’s first, captain Strand new could still wait a few minutes.

 ** _From TK:_** I hope the rest of your shift went better and that you give that captain of your some pieces of your mind, I know that I have my share of differences with mine but I also know that he would never pull something as shitty as this

 ** _From Buck:_** The rest of my shift consisted of me getting myself busy enough to avoid the other, Hen wasn’t there today so I was alone in the wolves den, did you made any progress on Hunter’s happiness assignment.

 ** _From TK_** : I’m sorry to hear that, it suck that you have to support all of this… that you have to go along the narrative he created, as for Hunter’s assignment yes I did finish it, I talked about the firetruck I got for Christmas when I was ten and how it made me want to be just like my dad. Did you finish yours?

 ** _From Buck_** : I don’t have many happy childhood memories, my parents weren’t really there you know that’s why I was…am so attached to the 118, because they were my surrogate, because I felt like I finally found a Home, a place I belonged with them…I was wrong to assume that those people loved me as much as I loved, and still love them.

 ** _From TK_** : I don’t think you were wrong, you gave your love cause you’re selfless they took advantage of your kindness they were wrong and they will miss you when you’re gone, Eddie would regret it you know

 ** _From Buck_** : No he won’t I know he won’t, it’s one sided after all I’m the only one who felt a connection.

 _ **From TK:**_ How can you be so sure?

 _ **From TK:**_ Because I told him, I told Eddie I loved him, it was before the lawsuit, before he turned his back on me, ironically it was just after the ladder truck crushed my leg, I was in hospital and he came alone to visit me, and I just blurt it out, just like that.

 ** _From TK:_** and what did he say?

 ** _From Buck:_** He laughed...He told me the meds were making me say crazy things and that we couldn’t possibly thing of one another that way...I wasn’t on meds that day, but I had to pretend I was, I had to fake laugh so that I wouldn’t cry in front of him.

 ** _From TK:_** I’m so sorry Buck…

He didn’t respond right away as a second mail notification from captain Strand popped on his screen with the world urgent followed by three exclamation points, he suddenly tensed up before opening it, the note was short, his new captain warning him that they had to delay his transfer because the 118 captain called them that morning, apparently they were short on staff due to the flu season and needed Buck for at least another month, he knew damn well that it was all bullshit, knew it was Bobby’s way to punish him for overruling his decision, for going against his narrative.

 _ **From TK:**_ Buck? Is everything okay ?

 ** _From Buck_** **:** I just got a mail from my new captain.

 ** _From TK:_** What did it said?

 ** _From Buck_** : Bobby told them some bullshit about being short staffed so he could keep me there and I have no way to tell them it’s a li, I don’t know what Bobby said about me, I don’t know if he twisted things again.

He was freaking out on the other side of his computer, he felt enraged and discouraged all at once, he couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t accept that once again Bobby was depriving him from what he needed, what he craved, he was once again deciding for him.

 ** _From TK:_** Well who’s your new captain maybe I can ask my dad to give a few calls perk of being captain and a 9/11 hero.

 ** _From Buck:_** Captain Owen Strand wouldn’t happen to be your dad.

 ** _From TK:_** He happen to be my father and I will report what you told me first thing tomorrow morning, you can start to pack your stuff, and if your captain is still against it we will come and get you.

He profusely thanked TK for his help and support, and after two hours of discussing how they would find a way to get him out of this hell he numbly typed a quick goodnight to the younger man before forcing his tired body to lay down a bit on his couch, sleep never came, the stress and nerves keeping him up, he could only fix the clock on his wall, observe the hours changing and witness his first Californian sun rise.


End file.
